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Falling Into Aimless Oblivion
December 22, 2011
10:49 pm
Points: 1686
Thanked 5 times

        My breath hitched- I just about froze on the spot. The people in front of me turned around, their eyes curious as to why I seemed so frantic. Those eyes. . .Why were they all so familiar? Every last one of them. . .
        "P-Please! You need to run!" I shouted, my voice just barely reaching above a whisper. My limbs felt heavy and my eyelids threatened to shut- but the pounding of feet behind me jolted attention back to my body. I spun around and lifted the bloodied sword- which felt ten times heavier than the first time I had wielded it -and repeated my cry. "Please, run!" But they did not notice me, or at least, not my words. Or the danger that enveloped the air like chains; much like the ones broken around my ankles and wrists.
        "Dammit!" I swore beneath my breath, taking a staggered step back as those dark figures stepped out of the shadows. I felt like a little antelope, trapped by the large lion and cornered from any route of escape. I swallowed hard- and tried to steady my breathing. No one behind me moved; but those figures did. They crept closer, closer, the stealth in their movements making my blood run cold; like predators stalking their prey. The prey they knew couldn't get away.
        "Erin!" Finally, a familiar voice hit my ears. I turned to the side and saw Ryan there, fire radiating from his palms and yet not burning his tanned skin. I felt tears spring to my eyes and I whimpered, "Nii-Nii. . ." to him. We both knew we had to protect these people, despite the fact they ignored our very existence, our very presence feet away from their gathering of laughter and dancing and socializing.
         Dragging the back of my hand across my eyes to clear away the crystalline droplets, I turned back to our opponents. Black, smoky, shadows before our eyes. Yet they knew everything about us, at least, about me; my weaknesses, my memories, my name, my past and my future. I was like a puppet in their bloody claws- I was the marionette for controlling.
        Ryan let out a hearty, wolf-like growl and charged straight at them, straight into the growing cluster, mass, army of demons. With wide eyes, I was not far behind. I brought the long blade around, shouted, "Scythe!" And watched as the hilt shifted and grew, turning into a long, black staff; the silver end of the sword twisted and morphed into the curved blade of my favourite scythe of choice; Buradirozu. Bloody Rose.
       I glared at the smoke-like figure that curled around me, whispering promises in my ears that I knew were not real. I had learned that the hard way- the black fabric over my left eye a reminder of those lies. Then, as my thoughts resonated with a string of words that were to banish the creature from my mind; it shrieked. A cruel, grating sound, like that of nails on a chalkboard. Only worse. White spots dotted and danced across my vision- my ear drums felt ready to burst and my head ready to explode. With a weak cry, I brought the blade down in my shaking grasp and fell to my knees as the obsidian blade tore through the center of the creature- it's cries died away and it's black blood dripped off of the tip of the scythe as the mist faded into oblivion. I let the scythe lay on the grass for a moment, one hand bracing the cold wisps below and the other holding my spinning head.
       "Imouni," Ryan glanced my way, those red flames changing to an icy cobalt blue; he blasted something near me which I soon recognized to be another of the demons. "Are you okay?" I nodded and bent over, lurching and gagging as bile exited my throat and dirtied the grass beneath me. Then I wiped my mouth, spat to the side, and grabbed the staff again, rising to my feet. He dismissed me with a swift click of his tongue; then we were back to fighting. I shouted something else, and the scythe morphed once again until a bow and quiver were in my hands.
       Swinging the holder over my shoulder, I drew a silver bow from the infinite pouch and pulled it back on the string. I released it with a swift snap of the thread on the bow, and I pulled another right out when it hit it's mark a few yards away from where I stood.
       Demon after demon we took down, my weapon shifting from bow and arrows to daggers, to knives, then swords. Finally, we thought we had them cornered; but then my eyes drifted over a spot of light in the clutches of one of the solid demons. I screamed, "Lexi!" as I realized who the girl with the claws to her already-bloody throat was. Ryan barreled into me as I lunged forwards, shouting something that was just a blur of vibrations to my ears. I shakily breathed in and shoved him off, screaming that name again.
       Breaking from that strong hold, I began sprinting- my nearly yard-long sword clutched tightly and aimed for the chest of the beast. And I ran straight towards that figure.
       Towards my sister.
       You know, death can be done in many ways- suicide, homicide, during sleep, in a hospital, being shot or stabbed, and the list goes on. Most of the time, people make it quick, painless. But mine was not so angelic.
       As I neared the girl, I released a cry and thrust the object in my hands forward- only to pull it back with not the inky black blood of the demon;
       but the bright red blood of my sister.
       Lexi, eyes huge and glassy, showed one emotion before they faded into nothing; betrayal. I let out a choked sob, a sound that barely surpassed my lips, and the sword fell from my hands- the blade, which was still lodged in the chest of the girl before me, slid out with a sickening gush and clattered soundlessly onto the grass. Ryan's shouts continued behind me; but I didn't listen. I'd just. . .murdered my sister. . .The person who treated me like the best thing in the world. . .The girl who protected me and thought of me above anyone in her life. . .Tears fell from my eyes, leaving their tracks on my pale cheeks and dripping from my chin and into the pool of scarlet at my feet.
       A low chuckle resounded in my ears.
       Before I could find the chance to step back, a terrible ripping sound tore through the air; and my jaws wrenched apart in a silent wail of agony.
       A trail of blood ran from my lips to my chin and my shaky hands went to my ribcage; only to feel a thick, sharp object coated in a hot and sticky substance. I lifted my hands to my blurry, limited line of vision and saw blood fazing in and out of my sight. I began to see double. The images crossed- I saw triple. I looked up and the shadows above me grinned wickedly, mercilessly- the dead girl dissolved into the air. An illusion I had fallen for.
       "N. . .o. . ." I uttered out, blood lining every syllable, sound, and word that enabled itself from my lips. A horrifying squelch sounded and I dropped to my knees, then I fell backwards with my legs slipping out from under me- I was sprawled on my back in a growing puddle of red.
       ". . .rin!
          ". e. . .rin!
Ryan's voice shouted above me. He was weeping- I could tell. But at this point my eyes just stared aimlessly into the night sky that glittered with stars that looked absolutely infinite in my fading vision. The pain went away- my body numbed and coldness began to creep over my limbs. They grew heavy once again; my eyes lost all light and shaded themselves a lifeless grey. Any warmth left in my body trickled out with the thick liquid oozing from my chest and back. A gaping hole left in my body- bones broken and organs shut down. Muscles stiffening; leaving a hollow doll left in my place.
         And I fell into oblivion to roam the stars forever.

Someday, I like to think. . .
December 23, 2011
1:43 am
Carole Rosa

This story is written so well.  It's good enough to be published.  Your imagination is beyond belief!  Keep up the excellent work.  You will be a successful author!  Carole

December 23, 2011
10:06 am
Points: 1781
Thanked 0 times

i'll tell you what i enjoyed, apart from the story itself Wink, is the way you began with the action and carried that throughout rather than bog down with tedious descriptions of how things looked, blah, blah, blah....IMHO, FWIW, (i love those abbreviations) i can't stand reading things that are so bogged down with endless descriptions of mundane details...let's move the reader through the story, people, let's move them through!


i think you did a good job with that here and i'm a sucker for these types of stories anyway..


i will give a constructive criticism (since i think that's why we're here) and take it for what it's worth (since i'm a nobody) and please don't think i'm picking on you (because i really did enjoy what you posted), but, i would delete a number of your adjectives and adverbs during a rewrite if this was my story, keeping only those that really are necessary...


looking forward to reading more of your work throughout the forum



Heroes did not return from the expedition / There were no heroes / The unworthy survived Z.Herbert
January 2, 2012
8:21 am

Points: 8510
Thanked 153 times

I was poking around today and somehow I missed this story. I am impressed. I love this fantasy genre. What a talent. I have been told about the adjective, adverb deletion in my writing too. I don't know why, maybe it's an excess of description? Then why do we have them. Maybe someone one can explain it to me. Editors told me long ago not to describe as being "like" something, just describe it as it is. Never understood that one either.  If I were you I'd continue writing stories like this, because you are very good at it.Smile   

I am a man with one distinguishing manner. I view life as a nonstop roll by circus. Whatever my senses signal to my brain, it is received as humor.
January 2, 2012
9:55 am

Points: 4450
Thanked 20 times

I love it, the action was thrilling and exciting, and, this is my opinion not unlike jonathan (nothing against him), I would've rather had a few descriptions, doesn't need to be much, but sometimes pointing out things, like "I saw his blond head swipe away in darkness" or something like that, and maybe a little bit description on the terrain.

All in all, it was fabulous, I enjoyed it very much, and I'm glad that you wrote a story that is a bit more gore and not safely put like some Authors do with their stories. When I read this story I imagined black, dark red, and streaks of silver coming to my vision (I do often combine colors with stories, don't ask me why :P), and I hadn't have that in a while, and my colors along with your story, made me very eager to read one of your stories again soon.

I'm breaking constantly, continuously and always, it's just that nobody sees it - but I'm fine with that, as long as there's something to fix me, too. ~ Me

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