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Diamonds on the Souls of Your Shoes
July 4, 2013
12:29 am
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Paul Simon playing on the radio

reminds me of when you were small.

How you laughed as I spun you around

my mother’s living room,

the African rhythm conducting us and filling the air

with lightness and laughter,

your toddler curls dancing against your face,

and the purity of your smile.

I was young then.

We both held our innocence

like waking to a blissful dream,

like the sighting of a shooting star.

I might be mistaken if I claim

to know who you are now,

but I know that you aren’t without me,

segments of my being permeate

in a way that may be immeasurable

until you too, dance about a room

with your child in your arms.

Wine is bottled poetry. ~ Robert Louis Stevenson
July 4, 2013
12:34 am
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Wow, upon reread, super mushy piece... hmmm... I like the concept, but it needs, I dunno, something less gushy... it's a real memory, so maybe I'll revise to make it fit my style more. 

Wine is bottled poetry. ~ Robert Louis Stevenson
July 4, 2013
3:25 am
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Pure sentiment and love for a child. Precious moments we never have again. Gushy? I don't think that's the right word. Dear sweet strong longing to be needed and loved in such a way that is all consuming. To be everything to someone every moment of every day. If that is gushy then ok.

I am a man with one distinguishing manner. I view life as a nonstop roll by circus. Whatever my senses signal to my brain, it is received as humor.
July 4, 2013
10:24 am
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I like the memory and the sentiment just need to find a way to say it without all the cliche words :) .

Wine is bottled poetry. ~ Robert Louis Stevenson
July 4, 2013
10:54 am
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Alas I feel I should have set myself on fire rather than comment on your poem knowing the response and change that will transcend. However like the train wreck no one wants to look at and everyone invariably does.................

This poem characterizes a hidden persona in the artist that is refreshing to know exists. 'Gushy' is a sentiment best left regarding forlorn love. The kindred bond between Mother and Child is a sacrament in it's own right that cannot be copied by any other means in human life. You have written a beautiful poem of reflection and love for a child that has obviously stood the test of time. Maybe just once not trying to succumb to 'fitting your style more' will allow you to evolve to a level of writing that you seek. A beautiful poem that is well written and offers true heartfelt love. Do with it as you will............re-write................edit...............change......................see you on page five.

Those individuals who deem themselves perfect barely scratch an elbow in their fall from grace. Wm Steele
July 4, 2013
1:39 pm
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Thanks @Killerelite and @Forgewright for the encouragement... I read this to my son and he said, it's not as good as some of your other stuff, but it's still good... which is kind of how I feel about it. I have a tendency to write more about my daughter than I do my son, mostly because I wasn't writing as much when he was younger, so I feel like this one needs some real attention. That said, doesn't mean it will change, I may come to think that it should stay the same, but I need to spend some more time with it.

Wine is bottled poetry. ~ Robert Louis Stevenson
July 5, 2013
12:24 am
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enjoyed

 

on the last part ... you get to dance around again too

with grandchild ;)

 

The following users say thank you to c4a1g for this useful post:

tlhopkinson
July 5, 2013
12:27 am
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Thanks @c4a1g do you have grand kids?

Wine is bottled poetry. ~ Robert Louis Stevenson

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