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Drowning in the Day
August 25, 2013
11:55 am

Points: 5016
Thanked 126 times


I think it would be nice

To fall and never be caught

Yet never hit the ground,

To slowly drown

Without dying-

To simply fade

Into the push and pull

Of currents encompassing me

And dark waves taking me

Far, far away-

To somehow float

Within the ocean,

To flow in slow-motion.

I think it would feel nice

To be carried out to sea

If not even death could touch me,

If no one could find me

In the shelter of shielding waters.

I could listen to the conch shells

Scraping the salt and sand below me;

I could hear the ocean’s song

As if it were the siren luring me

Farther out to where the water is most deep.

No burdens could claim me,

No pain could maim me

If I could drown without suffering-

Suffering is something I already know

From drowning in the demands

Of every dragging day.

My identity can be found in my writing
August 25, 2013
10:54 pm

Points: 11984
Thanked 228 times

I loooove this title and the imagery. The topic is great and the words have great assonance and consonance and of course my fave, alliteration :) . Only word I would change? "nice". I think there's a stronger word you could use there. Nice work!

Wine is bottled poetry. ~ Robert Louis Stevenson
August 25, 2013
11:20 pm

Points: 7875
Thanked 179 times

      Awesome @SerenaLantha! You have hit upon two subjects that are my absolute favorite. Sky and sea. I love the feeling of falling. Though I never really considered an endless fall into a safe oblivion, to have read of it as you have written it is a wonderful thought. I also love swimming in the ocean. The buoyancy of warm ocean water makes time seem to stop. I disagree with @tlhopkinson in so far as changing the word 'nice.' I think the simplistic nature of this poem makes 'nice' a good fit for both scenarios you have painted. To have dug deeply in Roget's for a more colorful word may have been a bit much. The ending is simply superb.................. 'drowning in the demands of every dragging day.' Quite a spin to have put on it..................... Coupled with the smooth and serene feel of the rest of the poem let the senses be touched and a reality be felt................... A++++++


Write on SerenaLantha..............write on

Those individuals who deem themselves perfect barely scratch an elbow in their fall from grace. Wm Steele
August 25, 2013
11:31 pm

Points: 11984
Thanked 228 times

On a reread, I would actually cut that whole line. That's just me though. As a talented writer, certainly only revise based on your own preference. I'll be back to read this one again. It's a great piece!

Wine is bottled poetry. ~ Robert Louis Stevenson
August 26, 2013
6:18 am

Points: 5016
Thanked 126 times

Thank you both for your helpful comments! My favorite is alliteration as well. As for 'nice,' I thought the beginning of this was somewhat trance-like, at least in my own opinion, so I tried to keep it smooth and simple. Thanks again!

My identity can be found in my writing
August 26, 2013
9:51 pm

Points: 5251
Thanked 115 times

enjoyed the read

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