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Countdown to infinity
June 17, 2014
5:58 pm
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I guess this could count as spoken word if I decided to read it at a poetry reading.  You can read it either starting from Zero or Ten, it doesn't really matter.  This poem requires a trigger warning for allusions to suicide.

Zero.    I don't want to die.

One.     My heart is racing and it's now or never now or never I'm not sure if I hear sirens or if that's the ringing in my ears.  My palms are sweaty and I don't know whether to tighten or loosen my grasp, my knuckles are white as I fight with myself; now or never now or never I need to do it now or never now or never.

Two.    I can barely breathe.  The wind rips against my skin like needles and if I look down my stomach will drop just like I will in two seconds two seconds time stutters and pauses between myself and two-two-two-two-two-

Three.  Who's going to cry?  Who's going to miss me?  Three more seconds just three more and then I'll do it, I swear I'll do it, no backing out now, no feeling stop feeling no one will miss you no one will miss you.

Four.    Think of the pain they'll feel.  Think of the way their hearts will shatter just like you will against the water in four, four, four.  Think of the selfishness.

Five.     Jesus Christ almighty this is going to hurt.

Six.       Look at that view.  I should've brought my camera for some morbid photograph of what I saw right before I jumped.  What's the fall here?  Definitely over a hundred feet, it's taller than some of the rides at Cedar Point.

Seven.  Is it smart to count down?  It'll probably distract me seven seconds to lift off- jeez this isn't the time to make a joke seven I should make my jokes now because time is running out seven I think I'm losing track of how long I've been standing here seven have they found my note yet? seven stupid stop thinking about it seven don't look down look in front of you stupid seven-seven-seven look straight ahead.  Straight ahead.

Eight.   No, don't focus on the height of the fall focus on counting down.  Jeez, it's taken so long, so many months to make it this far.  Planned this since February and now here I am.

Nine.    I should probably make sure that I'm not going to impale myself on the way down, are there any trees below me--wow that's going to be a long fall.

Ten.     I'm going to jump.

Someday, I like to think. . .
June 18, 2014
12:41 am
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Eleven   Nay forget it... I'll miss the next Game of Thrones.....

I am a man with one distinguishing manner. I view life as a nonstop roll by circus. Whatever my senses signal to my brain, it is received as humor.
June 18, 2014
8:12 am
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Bravo @ritski ..................... I don't usually read topics of this nature............. I have no respect for those that take their own lives................... But your poem offers a look into what someone having a hard time dealing with life may feel................. "Zero. I don't want to die." .............. I think this would be the preemptive thought considered by those looking for another way out. And psychological debility notwithstanding there is always the wonderment of what death is all about........... The human mind is indeed a fragile mechanism at times............. I like what @Forgewright had to say............

Semper Fi

Those individuals who deem themselves perfect barely scratch an elbow in their fall from grace. Wm Steele
June 18, 2014
4:07 pm
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agree lot of thought shown here ,enjoyed

June 23, 2014
3:17 am
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 friends lost hope and I

still wish I could have done more

the world lost their words

 

don't usually read this type of work past the trigger warning

 

frustrations are always better out on the page

 

a vivid read

thank you

June 24, 2014
7:46 pm
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I think this is definitely a controversial concept, but you wrote it extremely well. I love the countdown/count-up and the various thoughts related to each number. Being able to count either way is absolutely genius! It truly gives a glimpse of (what I guess to be) the most likely thoughts in a jumper's mind. The stuttering and distracting oneself through the counting are also great details which really give the psychological aspect of this as well.

My identity can be found in my writing

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