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A Grand Ball
May 15, 2014
6:39 pm
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Cast your spell wicked sky
with a bludgeoning gale.
Throw your fury my way
I’ll just laugh and raise sail.
Pelt my face with a rain
in an effort to get me to run.
But I can still smell the sea
and remember the sun.
Into your vortex we’ll sail
and if hell’s where we’re bound.
The Devil will curse
with the demons he’s found.
Through the thunder and lightning
will our ship glide.
And ride your high waves
as they crash o’er the side.
And as we may falter
we never shall fall.
So send us your storm
it’s a sailor’s grand ball.

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craigb12
Those individuals who deem themselves perfect barely scratch an elbow in their fall from grace. Wm Steele
May 15, 2014
6:53 pm
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this piece is a captivating in what ever u give give me ur best shot in in times. We all can reflect wen chips are down carnt get an worse

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Killerelite
May 15, 2014
7:48 pm
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Pelt my face with rain... I could see, smell, feel, and hear this poem. Out on the sea in pure KE style. Someone had the poetry bug today ;-).

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Killerelite
Wine is bottled poetry. ~ Robert Louis Stevenson
May 16, 2014
12:41 pm
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killerelite I like your voice.  I think you show more of your voice in your rants/vents.  I'd like to see more of the freedom and ease of your "speaking" voice in your "poetry" voice. 

This poem is you, at least how I picture you. But would you ever in seriousness say a word like "o're"?  I do understand the buccaneer tone you are striving for, but I think you choose some words/lines for their poetic value, rather than how you really feel.  It could be just the persona I've created about you.

One example "So send us your storm".  This sounds too passive, but it has a lot of 's' sounds (and if you were going for alteration a better last word might be "storms") .  I believe a real challenger would say "Send us your storm", more of a demand than a request.  This is just my point of view, everyone else could easily disagree.  In any case, I hope you find my comments helpful. 

Oh, I do like this poem.

May 16, 2014
3:53 pm
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disagree aziz

 

If u read last four lines of poem i think he states"we" so in essence so send us your storm is correct statment has he tells us of others whom sail with him so basically how i read the poem so send us a storm we fear not were ready for anything you may throw at us!  

May 17, 2014
5:09 pm
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And as we may falter
we never shall fall.
Send us your storm
it’s a sailor’s grand ball.

I don't understand your argument.  "Send us your storm"  works in the plural, as well as with the undefined others who sail, with him or not.  I believe it just comes down to taste.

May 17, 2014
5:15 pm
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First thing first i don't argue i talk your terms proposed changing of so send us a storm i said i disagree didn't mention argument

May 17, 2014
6:29 pm
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Thanks for the comments................... And it seems as though I've appeared on the radar of one @aziz suddenly................... So in addressing your critique I'll start with....... I'm thoroughly confused by the whole voice thing............. Speaking voice.......... Poetry voice.......... Do explain. When I rant/vent............ I just write what I think............... When I write a poem I write what I'm thinking about. No voice.............. Unless I've been writing after happy hour. Further addressing your comments about me saying o'er.............. hmmf.... I say it all the time...... mostly comes about in conversation with @Forgewright o're (pun intended) @tlhopkinson ........ they bring out my entire vocabulary.......... very confounding those two........ Poetic value indeed. Spot on there......... Over just didn't work, so o're................ Tada.......... Next.

Buccaneer tone? Not so much............ That day I couldn't focus on a project and had to get a poem out.......... Say hands aboard a 1600's 40 gun frigate rather than a pirate vessel.

"I believe a real challenger would say, send us your storm." Is exactly your point of view. And since we cannot and will not locate the Captain of a 1600's frigate I wrote what I felt. And anyone that knows me also knows that I'm one and done with a poem regardless of how anyone feels about it. I write for therapy.............. But had I placed the poem in the Writing Workshops and Challenges section of this forum I may take your criticism more seriously.

Poetry= words.............. When I write it they are my words. When you write it they are your words. Personally when I read someone's work if I like it I offer praise............ unless someone asks for my help or opinion, then I'll offer constructive criticism in kind................

Glad you like it............

Semper Fi

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craigb12
Those individuals who deem themselves perfect barely scratch an elbow in their fall from grace. Wm Steele
May 17, 2014
7:08 pm
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Bravo! One word poetry

laugh

 

i write to not amaze or to overwelm i write for me and if others benifit from what i write so be it,be inspired and be constructive the best we can,negatively is never an option

my words craigb12

May 17, 2014
11:26 pm
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Killerelite, I've been reading your work for a while now, even before I became a member.  I was excited by the potential I saw.  Didn't mean to cause a ruckus by my comments.    

May 18, 2014
7:04 am
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Hardly a ruckus @aziz ............ No one shot or even bloodied for that matter........ I don't know what potential you were exited about in my work as you did not elaborate. And your credentials to enhance that potential is unknown to me as well. But this forum is plenty far enough for me to have gone in the world of poetry............... Having taken a sabbatical from work to write a novel that now sits in in the form of a single published copy on my bookshelf is testament to the literary potential I possess.............. Since writing it I have discovered that the benefit was more about self discovery than it was about being a published author.................

More to a direct point I believe proper etiquette for schooling someone on their writing would be to ask them if they need help if it's not posted in a section as such............ You are always welcome to share your opinion by all means, but by doing so expect a response.

In a nutshell I did not find your comments helpful as you stated at the end of your first comment............. They were confusing and you never really elaborated after I posted a response therefore I still do not know exactly what you meant............

Semper Fi

Those individuals who deem themselves perfect barely scratch an elbow in their fall from grace. Wm Steele

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