Her feet trudged up the small slope, her backpack an uncomfortable heavy but nonetheless reassuring weight, anchoring her to earth as she stood on the top, staring at their place.
She ignored the murmurs of conversations and shrieks of laughter from the other school children around her, the edges of her mouth tilting upwards. Their place was nothing much - it was simply a naturally orange-tinted stone wall with a green fence on top, a thin batch of tried, lumpy concrete, close to a bin, with a clear view of the whole school grounds and close to a tree whose shadow fell on them during the first break. No, it wasn't much, but she still felt that swelling pride of ownership over it, because nowhere was as good as there.
A call of her name, not loud enough to be a real shout but loud enough to hear above the constant buzz of words, had her turning her head to the left, smile widening into an affectionate grin; the pride in her chest morphed into fierce love, surging through her limbs to her very fingertips as she watched Aluna wave at her before they continued padding through the dried bushes of knee-high weeds to their place.
The late-morning sun, just skimming past the edges of their school, shone brightly on her and into dark, large curls of their hair, creating an ethereal shine around her head despite her dark hair, her smiling face framed by seemingly golden strands of hair; the image was only present for a second before vanishing, but still very clear in her mind as she continued to trot to their place.
After all, it had been the place where all begun.
Basically what the title says.
I've been dabbling a bit into writing some more, getting a bit more determined in a wish to write a book, so it's not the first time I'm writing something like this. I do post some pieces on the internet, but they are all with characters picked out from movies or series and written around of, wit mostly just explaining emotions. It's not all that different from poetry, so it's not really a challenge.
But the thing I've noticed I'm having problems with is the fact that I am extremely unsure of description and dialogue between two or more characters. But I'm not here to talk about the dialogue (yet), and am currently more interested in trying to fix description.
Now, the main problems I have with description is that I am always too conscious of how long it is. Personally, I hate it when description gets too long, and I'll admit that I may or may not have (read: I did. Often) skipped it when it became too long and straight to the dialogue.
In addition, I like descriptions that include snippets of feelings or the demeanor of the person while they see it (eg. uncomfortable, unease, happiness, intimidated, etc.); however, I seem to be unable to do it unless it looks really, really forced and/or (and being the worst case scenario) awkward, which annoys me.
This could be seen as sort of a flashback sequence, or dream sequence, in the first chapter at the beginning of the book, since both names are not mentioned. There is no plot in this and is literally only a memory of mine, so it's not really all that authentic but meh - you guys have enough imagination, no?
So basically, go and tear it apart. I'm a big girl I can take it.
(Note: the relationship between the two girls, me and my friend, is very platonic; yeeeah, not entirely sure if it came over that way, even if I do acknowledge her as my 'soul mate', but as a very good companion and friend instead of romantic interest......................
I'm just making this worse, aren't I?)
Being someone who is currently 65k words into a first draft for a book I totally understand your problem. Sometimes I might describe something for far too long, or just have constant dialogue without mentioning a single thing about the scene.
I often find the most boring pieces of description to be ones that focus on a single image or viewpoint that doesn't keep the story moving in some vague direction. I'm one for a fast-paced, action/adventure/battle book that moves along at a swift pace so that is just what I find boring. Likewise, a piece of dialogue that has a lot of excess speech for no reason I find boring.
When writing I find the best thing to do is write down my description/dialogue and then say it out loud. I say it in a pantomime (over dramatic) way or voice the characters. If I find that I am struggling to reach the end, my voice becomes a monotonous drone then I know that it needs a lot of work. Or scrapping it all together.
With regards to what you have written above. I like the little details that your narrator picks out. The description of 'their place' was good but I felt that you kept adding those small details in a way that didn't quite fit smoothly together. Maybe just focus on one or two details of 'their place', otherwise the sentence becomes quite long.
Long sentences are quite common in your piece.The last two paragraphs are both made up of one sentence each. The content is fine but it needs to be broken up into smaller sentences for me.
Finally, I think that using just description for this section is fine. It sets the scene well and it moves forward. No dialogue is needed to convey the character's emotions anymore. I imagine the next part would involve some sort of chat between these girls and that would make a nice balance between dialogue and description.
Just as I was allowed to 'tear' this apart, you are allowed to ignore anything in here that you don't like. One thing I have learnt from writing my first draft is that you need to write the book in your own way in your own style. Don't try and copy how someone else writes a book, it won't work.
I shall add a link for my favourite author's writing tips/advice if you are seriously considering writing a book. I found these incredibly useful.
I do like the piece and feel that it could have been a scene/chapter from a book. I hope that there is a second part of it to come. Keep up the good work.
The following users say thank you to Jamboree for this useful post:Night_Sky_Of_Feelings
the whole point of you writing what ever the subject is to engross the reader in what you feel, if you feel you want to write any lengh of dialogue or setting then so be it because that's your style, I always think if I ever write about a certain character I tend to walk around for couple of days being that character that to me tends to give me a feel of setting of where im going to write if that's help ful but never be afraid to think your over writing because that's what editors are for,and it maybe your being over critical that your over writing :) used to think the same but don't anymore great writing by the way great job
The following users say thank you to craigb12 for this useful post:Night_Sky_Of_Feelings
I have to agree with the above posts. This is a really great start I think as far as content and ideas are concerned. I immediately felt interested especially when the second person came into the scene and am curious to learn more. I first thought it was in the present then as a flashback which, for me, added to the interest. I think the descriptions are all good and add to each paragraph especially the first and third because there the descriptions seem the most natural to me. I think the greatest improvement in this piece would be to shorten/split in half most of the lines just so that the sight of the period/ realization that this is the sentence's end could add to the reader's impact. Making the reader stop for a second and think about what he or she has just read alone creates impact. To answer the question in the title, I think this does have an emotional impact especially toward the end since the other girl's presence/life/story is questionable. I really enjoyed reading this!
The following users say thank you to SerenaLantha for this useful post:Night_Sky_Of_Feelings
I really like the imagery this creates. I too think there are a couple of the sentences that are a bit runny, but in the same sense I like how descriptive it is..... interesting paradox.
The opening I would reword it a bit, that second part "her backpack an uncomfortable heavy but nonetheless reassuring weight" stops the flow for me. Maybe something like-
Her feet trudged up the small slope. The heavy but reassuring weight of her backpack anchored her to earth as she stood atop, staring at their place.
Not perfect I know but maybe that will give you some ideas to break it up some, just don't get rid of the "trudged" cause I really like that word!
Their place was nothing much –
it was simplya naturally orange-tinted stone wall with a green fence on top
Maybe get rid of a few words in there.
I like descriptions that include snippets of feelings or the demeanor of the person while they see it (eg. uncomfortable, unease, happiness, intimidated, etc.); however, I seem to be unable to do it unless it looks really, really forced and/or (and being the worst case scenario) awkward, which annoys me.
In this short piece, I didn't find anything really forced, I like that you use snippets of feeling and demeanor because it makes the descriptions feel authentic, and quite a bit of life moments can be awkward so I'm not surprised if sometimes writing turns out that way
I'm just making this worse, aren't I?
The following users say thank you to uniquelylost for this useful post:Night_Sky_Of_Feelings
I agree with @uniquelylost completely. Great imagery................. The beginning needs tweaked a bit................ What or who trudged up the hill? A girl or her feet? If you write a book, you'll get hammered in the edit department, so grow thick skin and take it in stride..... Here are a couple links for dialogue.
Very nice to read and found myself wanting to read more............. Impact!
The following users say thank you to Killerelite for this useful post:Night_Sky_Of_Feelings
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