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Mars 127 - Prologue - Feedback appreciated
September 14, 2014
6:48 pm
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'Books aren't written, they're rewritten. Including your own. It is one of the hardest things to accept, especially after the seventh rewrite hasn't quite done it... Michael Crichton
September 18, 2014
10:12 am
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Thoughts as I read…

The “they” in the first three of paragraphs is confusing. Maybe that’s on purpose, but I went back to reread and still wasn’t sure if the “they” are victims or bad guys.

“The only similarity that he shares with the rest of the failures.” Is a little vague. Maybe you need an em-dash between that and the sentence prior.

Again, pronouns are uncertain… “He is the leader”? Who? Mars-127? It gets clarified a bit right after, but causes the reader to look back and see if anything was missed. Maybe naming him sooner?

Physical descriptions and imagery are great!

Is the creature the “he”? Now there’s an I person, the speaker… yeah, getting lost in this a bit.

Very creative and the mention of scientific details like the “Social-Emotional Agnosia” is a great detail!

Dialog is also natural and well-written.

 

OK, that's all I've got time for... this is wildly creative... I don't read much of this genre, but I think you've got great stuff here!

The following users say thank you to tlhopkinson for this useful post:

Jamboree
Wine is bottled poetry. ~ Robert Louis Stevenson
September 20, 2014
4:03 pm
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Thanks for the help @tlhopkinson 

I did wonder whether people would get confused between he/they/Mars-127. It seemed fairly simple to me upon reading it but then I did write it and know it inside out. I'm glad that you struggled on that and I shall try to clarify it when I redraft it.

'They' at the start, and even a lot of the way through the prologue, is supposed to be vague and confusing. I don't want the reader to completely understand who they. I want to give them small details, like the fact that they are all brothers, but not give away completely what they are. I just hope that I haven't over done it.

I may redraft those first three paragraphs and post them here to see if you think if I have improved on it at all.

Thanks,

Jam

'Books aren't written, they're rewritten. Including your own. It is one of the hardest things to accept, especially after the seventh rewrite hasn't quite done it... Michael Crichton
September 20, 2014
4:13 pm
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Sounds good! Glad it was helpful.

Wine is bottled poetry. ~ Robert Louis Stevenson

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