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Short story in progress
May 27, 2014
7:47 pm
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There’s a peacefulness as the world seems to resort back to its previous state. The waves lap calmly against the metal sheeting that I lie on top of. There are no clouds. Nothing but blue surrounds me for miles, the sea and sky merging into one. The sun beats down on me, burning my skin. I am helpless against its superior power. The wreckage lies still, the bodies gently bob up and down in the water. Everything is calm and time is free to ebb along at its own pace. I think I’ve been here for an hour at most, but it could have been half a day. Time jumps around when no one is watching.

Silence fills the empty space, encompassing everything. The few screams of those trapped have stopped, those that I couldn’t reach. The sea is silent and empty. No cargo ships sail along the horizon in this part of the ocean. And there’s no wind. After the chaos caused in the last fifteen minutes before we crashed, the fear and panic tearing through the cabin, the silence doesn’t feel right. It’s as if I want the chaos to return. To hear the screams, those voices of my human counterparts that I knew for less than two hours. But all I really want is for someone just to talk to me.

But no one does.

I think I’ve found Mum. Floating away, perhaps thirty feet to my right. Curled black hair. A red knee length dress and sandals. A vodka bottle floats next to her. I can only see her back but I know it’s her. A child can always recognise their Mother. I haven’t seen Sarah though. She was just five years old. School swimming lessons started at six. No one made it out alive. No one but myself. Perhaps it’s fate. I don’t believe in fate, or destiny. But here I am, a survivor. Cast away among the wreckage of the remains of the plane. With no one to talk to. No one to comfort or to be comforted by. It’s a lonely place to be.

I’m sat upon the left wing. I hauled myself up onto the metal structure after struggling in the water for a few minutes. My clothes, still attached to my body, are only slightly soggy now. The tropical sun dries them quickly. The 70 foot long wing is now just 20 feet in length. The rest of its remains surround us. I didn’t notice that I had broken my leg for a while. It was only after the ringing in my ears had stopped that I had heard the desperate pleas for help from my fellow passengers that I realised. When we crashed part of the cabin had broken off and crumpled, sealing the passengers inside. A body, just the arm and leg visible, was stuck in the crumpled end. There was no movement. But it didn’t matter. I knew that the person was dead. There people alive inside though. Their arms scraped against broken plastic as they pleaded for help. With all the windows smashed and both exits blocked, the water seeped in.

I tried to stand up but my leg refused to move. I wanted to help them, to try to stop them from drowning. But my leg refused to bend and help to push my body up from the metal. I looked down to see the crooked angle that my leg made just below my knee. The shock of the crash had numbed the pain at first. That pain was re-emerging. I couldn’t move as small needles pierced their way up my left leg. Several times, I tried to stand up. Each time I failed. And each time the pain got worse. All the while the water flooded into the cabin not five metres from me. I tried one last time to stand. At first I succeeded, hobbling on one leg. As I put weight on my right leg though the pain soared upwards in a blaze of fury. I passed out.

When I awoke the cabin wasn’t there.

 

This is a short story in progress. I know how I want to end it and some details in the middle. I just wanted to know what you guys thought of it so far.

'Books aren't written, they're rewritten. Including your own. It is one of the hardest things to accept, especially after the seventh rewrite hasn't quite done it... Michael Crichton
May 28, 2014
12:11 pm
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I think you have a great start to a short story. Reads well and you put together a well described scene. It definitely holds the reader.

The following users say thank you to Forgewright for this useful post:

Jamboree
I am a man with one distinguishing manner. I view life as a nonstop roll by circus. Whatever my senses signal to my brain, it is received as humor.
May 28, 2014
4:45 pm
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Jamboree i want whole story cus kept me captivity gud stuff

The following users say thank you to craigb12 for this useful post:

Jamboree
May 28, 2014
8:01 pm
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Patience @craigb12 I will have the whole story done soon hopefully.

I just need to be consistent throughout the whole piece and that is something that I often lack in my longer writing. I like the style of writing at the start and just hope that I can maintain it throughout the entire piece. You will be the first to see it when it is done craig

'Books aren't written, they're rewritten. Including your own. It is one of the hardest things to accept, especially after the seventh rewrite hasn't quite done it... Michael Crichton
May 29, 2014
7:49 am
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Keep going @Jamboree ....................... Anything ocean............ Plane crash........... Hell yeah!

Semper Fi

Those individuals who deem themselves perfect barely scratch an elbow in their fall from grace. Wm Steele

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